Anti-Weed Mascot Skating Platypus Archer

IM BACK YEET -Laneous

Everything here is rad.


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Early depiction of SCP-XXXX.

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: Foundation webcrawler DARE/OS is to scan prominent news outlets for reports of homicides similar to those caused by SCP-XXXX. Witnesses of SCP-XXXX manifestations are to be interviewed and administered Class-B amnestics.

Active SCP-XXXX manifestations are to be met by MTF-Omicron-4 ("Go To Hell Before You Die") who are to utilize gas grenades to encourage the demanifestation of SCP-XXXX. Images and video-footage of SCP-XXXX are to be immediately removed and replaced with a Class-B visual amnestic.

Foundation agents planted within state governments are to actively suppress the legalization of marijuana for recreational use.

Description: SCP-XXXX is a bipedal organism superficially resembling a platypus (Ornithorhynchus anatinus) without front legs, capable of speaking semi-coherent English. In place of upper body limbs, SCP-XXXX utilizes mild telekinetic abilities that it uses to manipulate objects. SCP-XXXX possesses a wooden longbow, several arrows, and wooden skates commonly used in the 14th century. These skates have been shown to frictionlessly glide along all surfaces at speeds of approximately 50 kph. Recent manifestations of SCP-XXXX have shown it wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses.

SCP-XXXX will manifest in a large burst of incandescent flames near the location of individual(s) recreationally smoking marijuana in the United States1, and will proceed towards the location of the individuals. SCP-XXXX will then levitate its longbow and arrows and begin to fire at the marijuana users. Individuals hit by SCP-XXXX's arrows have experienced immediate combustion, reaching temperatures of up to 982°C. This combustion will not cause damage to any nearby objects. During this time, SCP-XXXX will make attempts to dissuade individuals from continuing to use marijuana through pop culture references and attempts at relatable humor.

Once all offending individuals have been terminated, SCP-XXXX will leave the scene and demanifest in a similar fashion to its manifestation.

Addendum XXXX-1: Early documentation suggests that SCP-XXXX was active during the early 14th century, during which it's anomalous effects were dependent on the recreational use of opium, and was mainly present in current-day Europe. Recovered documents show that SCP-XXXX was thaumaturgically contained by N-GoI-006 ("Demonic Acolyte Resistance Enforcement")2 in 1887 after terminating roughly 400 individuals. SCP-XXXX activity resumed on 11/6/2012 and is currently attributed to 254 recorded deaths.

Addendum XXXX-2: After multiple failed attempts to purposefully cause a manifestation of SCP-XXXX by encouraging marijuana use within D-Class ranks, SCP-XXXX successfully manifested at Site-15 and was interviewed for the first time, with attempts being made to capture the entity for long-term containment.

INTERVIEW LOG


Interviewed: SCP-XXXX

Interviewer: Researcher Charlotte Mehr

Foreword: Mehr was instructed to buy as much time as possible until proper containment could be implemented.


[BEGIN LOG]

Mehr: Hello, what do you wish to be called?

SCP-XXXX: (Shoots arrow at D-Class.) DAB! DAB! Epic kill! Do you know how many dangerous chemicals are in weed yo? It does more damage than a Golden Scar! DAB! DAB!

Mehr: Excuse me?

SCP-XXXX: Grumpy Cat doesn't do weed, why should you? (Shoots another D-Class.)

Mehr: Wait, what do you mean by that?

SCP-XXXX: Listen, gamer girl, you gotta get with the times. I did, and I'm way more successful now. Look how much I'm appealing to the kids now! (Shoots another D-Class.)

Mehr: So are you just referencing things?

SCP-XXXX: Yeah you noob, why you all up in my grill? DAB! DAB!

Mehr: Well, what makes you think that doing this is helping anyone?

SCP-XXXX: Girl bro, this is super helpful. When I was thrown back into hell by those not-so-epic trolls, I really thought to myself how I could improve my job. And I found the way and became an epic guy like Chuck Norris, who ALSO DOESN'T DO WEED! (Shoots another D-Class.) So I start learning how all the kiddos act, and then I rode the Nyan Cat down The River Styx and got back in the game like a boss! (To fleeing D-Class.) HEY YOU! Quit chilling in Weed-ar Rapids! (Shoots D-Class.) DAB! Man, I wish I had arms, that would make this a lot easier!

Mehr: Uh, you aren't giving these people the opportunities to improve their habits if you just kill them. How are they supposed to stop smoking if th-

SCP-XXXX: They won't though ecks-dee, they will keep uh, bottle flipping? Wait no, uh… they'll just keep yeeting the weeds into their mouths! Yeah! No matter what you do! I just gotta teach them to say no in Hell at least!

Mehr: But you, you aren't really acting cool. How about you just calm d-

SCP-XXXX: Me? Not cool?

Mehr: (Pause.) Yes, why do you think you're acting cool?

SCP-XXXX: Well I- uh, I just am.

Mehr: You don't seem very cool to me personally.

SCP-XXXX: What? I'm cooler than you for sure! Your mama is so not cool, she- uh, she’s the Sun!

Mehr: That wasn't very funny.

SCP-XXXX: You mad bro? (Shoots another D-Class.) Your mama so fat, s-

(On-Site MTF reaches SCP-XXXX and attempts to incapacitate it with nerve gas. Mehr retreats.)

SCP-XXXX: That wasn't very cash money of you.

(SCP-XXXX fires at a canister of nerve gas held by an MTF member, killing him and severely injuring several others. SCP-XXXX fires at several other canisters until the entire squadron is either terminated or incapacitated before turning to face a wall-mounted security camera.)

SCP-XXXX: (Spontaneously manifests a second pair of sunglasses, which rest above the preexisting pair on SCP-XXXX's eyes.) Deal with it.

(SCP-XXXX demanifests.)

[END LOG]


Article Name: Medieval Anti-Weed Skating Platypus Archer

Tags: _image animal co-authored fire hostile humanoid keter phenomena religious sapient scp sentient telekinetic teleportation uncontained