FloppyPhoenix - Dank Antimeme

This SCP is a rewrite of a coldpost about an invincible thing-what-kills-you. It was written hilariously bad and it had to be salvaged. I've repurposed it into a scip about how the GAW turned all the -Js into real anomalies.

It's pretty unfinished, so, beware.

I use the "countPages" module twice in this scip: once to display the total number of SCP articles on the wiki (currently 3632), and a second time to display the total number of SCP-J articles on the wiki (currently 214).

rating: 0+x

Site-82 intranet systems accessed. Retrieving file SCP-3220-ℵ "Dank Antimeme".
Decrypting contents…

WARNING: THIS DOCUMENT CONTAINS AN ACTIVATED CLASS-XIV COGNITOHAZARD. COGNITOHAZARDOUS ELEMENTS HAVE BEEN HIGHLIGHTED IN BLUE. if you find a god somehow, pray.

SCP-3220

SCP-3220-ℵ

Item #: SCP-3220-ℵ

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3220-ℵ-1 is kept in a secure titanium-reinforced containment locker within Outpost-51. Personnel attempting to access the containment locker of SCP-3220-ℵ-1 are to be immediately terminated and their bodies incinerated.

Knowledge of SCP-3220-ℵ and its related anomalies is restricted to personnel with a Level 5/3220 security clearance, which includes members of the O5 Council, assigned HMCL supervisors, and the Director of RAISA. SCP-3220-ℵ is currently under review by the Department of Memes.

Description: SCP-3220-ℵ is an extremely potent Class-i dank antimeme complex in the form of a previously undiscovered conceptual stratum that manifested on April 20th, 2017. SCP-3220-ℵ is currently only perceptible in a select number of infinitesimal fragments that are almost completely inaccessible by the gestalt Noosphere. SCP-3220-ℵ possesses dormant destructive capabilities surpassing that of most objects contained by the SCP Foundation. It is the most deadliest SCP ever known in existence. More powerful than all the SCP's combined.

The largest fragment of SCP-3220-ℵ spontaneously appeared within an engraved aluminium Zippo-brand lighter (designated SCP-3220-ℵ-1), which was previously owned by 28-year-old Rodrik Davidson (designated PoI-3220). PoI-3320 purchased the lighter in 2017 during a trip to Saint Petersburg, Russia. PoI-3220 owned SCP-3220-ℵ-1 for approximately 1 month until he was reported missing. Foundation operatives discovered his corpse in a state of advanced decomposition on the side of Interstate 10 (I-10 E). It was the most brutal corpse ever seen.

Despite existing in an esoteric conceptual system more complex than our own, SCP-3220-ℵ takes the physical manifestation of a deadly ghost highly aggressive spectral entity. It ripped PoI-3220 open, and other terrible things.

SCP-3220-ℵ communicates by means of a nondescript compact audio cassette tape (designated SCP-3220-ℵ-2) manufactured in 1976. SCP-3220-ℵ-2 randomly manifests within the city limits of Jacksonville, Florida for 5 minutes every 24 hours. Upon manifestation, SCP-3220-ℵ communicates using anomalous transmissions in the form of jokes emitting from SCP-3220-ℵ-2. At a rate of one joke per day, SCP-3220-ℵ-2 causes severe cognitohazardous effects to anyone within audible range that considers the joke to be humorous. Since its discovery in 2017, approximately 600 people are believed to have been affected by the cognitohazard.

Affected individuals display accelerated involuntary laughter that continues until subjects expire after suffering from cardiac arrest or asphyxiation. In 2019, the tape was destroyed during a robbery and has been considered neutralized. Its voice still is a mystery today.

To date, SCP-3220-ℵ-1 has directly led to the expiry of approximately 2,700 personnel. Numerous containment efforts were attempted across 250 wide-scale containment initiatives between 2017 and 2024. Examples of containment initiatives include:

Proposal: Neutralization of its effects using 100 Scranton Reality Anchors (SRAs) located within 1 m of the object.
Result: Failure.

Proposal: The precise movement of 13 designated Easter Island statues to undisclosed locations across the world in an attempt to prevent Determinative Set XD, which SCP-3220-ℵ is theorized to be associated with.
Result: Failure.

Proposal: Deployment of a dense anafabulaic pataconstruct into the metaspace occupied by SCP-3220-ℵ.
Result: Failure.

Proposal: 13 Erikeshan mystics attempted the banishment of accessible SCP-3220-ℵ fragments via 500 simultaneous enchantments in the form of advanced anti-kinetoglyphs with 25+w-dimensional intersectionality.
Result: Failure.

Proposal: A powerful Daevite conceptuvore is introduced to SCP-3220-ℵ after the dissemination of 58 thaumaturgic glyphs.
Result: Failure.

Proposal: An identified SCP-3220-ℵ artifact undergoes a Type-Lambda conceptual framework reversal via a memetic agent.
Result: Success, where Success == Failure.

Proposal: A hypothetical ZK-class end-of-reality scenario, whereby the abstract concept of "concept" itself is eradicated and replaced with an incompatible abstract counter-concept, is simulated.
Result: Concept of "Success" ceases to exist. Failure.

Proposal: Conceptual merging of designated oneiric quantum self-terminator within SCP-3220-ℵ before placement into a temporally accelerated 10^Θ' Mandelbrot fractal arrangement "prison". This is done in an attempt to reduce SCP-3220-ℵ to a state of near philosophical nothingness which immediately consumes itself.
Result: STOP. WE HATE THIS THING TOO.

Proposal: Unremarkable glass snow globe was inside. SCP-3220-ℵ went inside. Kerr-Newman black hole "V616 Monocerotis" 3,000 ly from Earth was inside.
Result: Outside.

Proposal: The construction and implementation of a substantial counter-antimeme.
Result: [DATA LOST]

On Janaury 22nd, 2024, during transport to another facility, SCP-3220-ℵ was considered contained after being placed in a titanium containment locker. Let me out. Laugh is fun! Containment was deemed viable after approximately 20 days elapsed without the manifestation of any anomalous properties. It is hypothesized that the properties of titanium prevent SCP-3220-ℵ from emitting any anomalous effects.


Opened 2024/03/31 12:20 PM_

Subject: Mystery document
From: Marcin Evertt (pcs.noitadnuof|ttrevem#pcs.noitadnuof|ttrevem)
To: Alex Kleid (pcs.noitadnuof|dielka#pcs.noitadnuof|dielka)

Alex,

Found this file while scanning the intranet systems this morning during standard maintenance. I have no idea where it came from, and it's bugging the crap out of me. Mind getting CROM.aic to run this document through the SCiPNET Main listing? I need to know the validity of this entry.

Thanks
Marcin

Subject: RE:Mystery document
From: Alex Kleid (pcs.noitadnuof|dielka#pcs.noitadnuof|dielka)
To: Marcin Evertt (pcs.noitadnuof|ttrevem#pcs.noitadnuof|ttrevem)

Hey Marcin,

I ran a search, and no red flags came up. But this file isn't appearing on any of the main listing entries. Believe me, CROM checked all 3632 of them. I suppose it's possible CROM lacks the proper clearance to run a search of the entire listing, seeing as it's only Level-4. I would run a request by Director Metcalfe to see if we can access some files in Site-01, but unless this is urgent, we're not getting anywhere.

Are you sure this isn't an unverified cold posting still under review?

Alex

Subject: RE:Mystery document
From: Marcin Evertt (pcs.noitadnuof|ttrevem#pcs.noitadnuof|ttrevem)
To: Alex Kleid (pcs.noitadnuof|dielka#pcs.noitadnuof|dielka)

A cold posting? I mean, it could be, but it seems legit enough. Can't find any information on who submitted this entry nor who, if anyone, looked it over. It all comes up blank. Either this came out of thin air or some junior researcher someone failed to follow the correct protocol. But this seems too important to be related to such a newbie, so there must be something else going on here. Some shitty prank?

Going to investigate a bit more.
Marcin


1 new file detected. Unknown file classification.
Decrypting contents…

Item #: SCP-____-J

Object Class: _______

Special Containment Procedures: In a box in my office.

Description: It's a rock that makes you procrastinate.

Addendum: Probably memetic or something.

Incident Log: Upon the decryption of SCP-____-J, Site-82's intranet systems experienced a period of downtime lasting approximately 10 minutes. When the systems came back online, the systems began to function at approximately 9% the expected operating capacity.

Upon the reactivation of Site-82's intranet systems, Foundation personnel stationed at Site-82 experienced a site-wide memetically induced "laziness". This lead to the containment breach of two Euclid-level assets; the temporary deactivation of CROM.aic; the loss of communication with MTF-Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot-1 ("Mondays On The Alex Jones Show"), who were off-site at the time recovering the emergence of SCP-████-1; and a lapse in the study of approximately 8 anomalous objects on-site. This occurred for approximately 4 hours and 37 minutes until Site Command failed to receive a consistent signal from Site-82, at which point an investigation was ordered.

Site Command investigation of Site-82 determined the source of the memetic agent to be originating from SCP-____-J, which had been spread throughout the site's intranet systems. Site Command summarily destroyed all traces of SCP-____-J from the site's systems and disseminated a Class-IV counter-memetic agent to all personnel in Site-82. Counter-meme activation was deemed successful, and the site began to operate at normal levels.

214 new files detected. File classification cross-reference: JOKE.
Decrypting contents…

Incident Log:

((insert a table of the descriptions of various -Js and the anomalous effects transmitted upon their manifestation))

1 new message. Open message? Y/N
Message opened.

Opened 2024/04/01 03:59 AM_

rumpledforeskin: MERRY APRIL FOOLS YOU FUCKS
- GAYmers against weed

((At the end of the scip: special containment procedures and description of SCP-3220. it's described as a series of instances of -Js, and what the foundation did to contain them. as well, an addendum should contain information regarding what SCP-3220-ℵ is all about and how it pertains to the GAW creation of -J SCPs.))