Contraction
rating: 0+x

3/3011-J LEVEL 3/3011-J

CLASSIFIED

classified-lv3.png

Item #: SCP-3011-J

Object Class: Neutralized

Special Containment Procedures: As SCP-3011-J has been neutralized, no containment procedures are necessary for the primary instance. Containment is instead limited to identification and treatment for existing instances of SCP-3011-J-1. These objects are neither contagious nor dangerous, therefore passive detection is sufficient.

A Foundation web bot has been created [Codename: TROLLME.io] which will algorithmically generate short posts on open internet forums and discussion boards, in keeping with the primary subject matter of that site. These messages will contain 48% abbreviations, slang, and contractions. Replies to these messages are to be correlated in order to lure out and identify instances of SCP-3011-J-1 who are incapable of resisting the urge to respond to such posts.

Description: SCP-3011-J was formerly an anomalous high school English teacher named Mr. William Elliot, of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. SCP-3011-J was capable of transmitting cognitohazardous effect via lesson materials and lectures which would render subjects unable to understand, comprehend, or utilize linguistic contractions.

Those that have undergone cognitive conditioning are designated as SCP-3011-J-1. In addition to being unable to comprehend linguistic shortcuts, all affected individuals have demonstrated a disproportionate emotional response when viewing related subject matter including a compulsion to correct or edit triggering behavior. This compulsory response will be triggered regardless as to whether or not an offending post has already been deconstructed or corrected.

Despite the aggression associated with these behaviors, instances of SCP-3011-J-1 do not appear otherwise capable of transmitting their anomalous properties.


Discovery Log 3011.J.1:
Dateline 2017-09-10: A Foundation Researcher in the Wauwatosa school district near Milwaukee, Wisconsin reported that his son had lost the ability to understand conversational English and had become obsessed with perfect grammar after beginning the new school year. The researcher had privately explored several medical dead ends and had ruled out differential neurological conditions before he spoke with other parents in his school district and discovered the commonality of this problem.

The element uniting the flagged students was exposure to a new English teacher who had entered their first year at their high school. The subject was peacefully detained and brought to Site-19 for questioning. An interview was conducted and is attached.

Dr. Wallace: Hello, Mr. Elliot, my name is Dr. Wallace and we're going to breeze through this real quick and just check the basic facts off.

3011-J: You don't need to end that sentence with a preposition.

Dr. Wallace: Beg pardon?

3011-J: You could have said 'check basic facts off of your list' or something. You didn't need to hang that preposition on the end of your sentence.

Dr. Wallace: Does that bother you?

3011-J: More than you will ever fucking know.


Test Log 3011-J:
The following is a log of test cases where the subject's full range of responses to linguistic manipulation was explored.

Subject: 3011-J
Protocol: Subject was shown three common emoticons in 24pt font. [ : ) ], [ ; ) ], and [ : D ]
Results: Subject appeared severely agitated before entering respiratory distress. Blood and sputum were observed to be expelled via coughing.

Subject: 3011-J
Protocol: Subject was shown a printed text conversation exchanged via instant messenger between two high school aged students. The conversation contained multiple instances of slang including but not limited to 'lol', 'rofl', 'wtf', and 'ikr'.
Results: Subject reported dramatically increased cranial discomfort comparable to that of a migraine. Effects faded approximately 60 minutes after the end of the exposure.

A third test was conducted to further gauge language transmitted orally. This was recorded in an audio log format and remanded into the site archives.

Dr. Wallace: Alright, 3011-J, we're going to go over some contractions and see how you feel about them, m'kay?

3011-J: I did not catch even half of that sentence.

Dr. Wallace: I think you did, but let's press on. How would you feel if I were to say "amn't"?

3011-J: I would feel like you're a fucking idiot because that's not even a word.

Dr. Wallace: It's a contraction for 'am' plus 'not'. Amn't.

3011-J: That hasn't been accepted for literally centuries and you really had to freaking dig to find something like that, so I get the feeling I am just being antagonized.

Dr. Wallace: Wait, did you just say "hasn't"?

3011-J: That is not possible.

Dr. Wallace: I'm almost certain that you did. In fact, this interview is being recorded so we can just play all of this back in order to be sure.

3011-J: No that is entirely unnecessary and we will not be doing that. <Subject enters respiratory distress and begins to sweat profusely.>

Dr. Wallace: Okay, if you want to play that way. "Couldn't've".

3011-J: Gahhh no! Please stop! <Subject grips his temples with both hands>

Dr. Wallace: Sure, just admit what you said.

3011-J: Never! That is not possible! You are an abomination! You…you profane….you profane English with your every breath!

Dr. Wallace: You asked for it. Here it comes. "You'dn't've".

3011-J: I don't…think…I can… <Subject collapses and falls out of his interview chair, clutching his chest in labored breahting>

Dr. Wallace: Aha! We gotcha! You definitely did it that time!

3011-J: <No response>

Dr. Wallace: Mr. Elliot?

3011-J: <No response>

Dr. Wallace: Medical, come on in.

3011-J: Hanging…preposition… <Subject becomes unresponsive>

Coroner's Note: Subject 3011-J William Elliot dies to acute myocardial infarction brought on by a triple contraction. Subject was otherwise healthy.