rockteethmotheyes:in-progress-crit

Review Queue:

http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-11766927/the-weeping-child

Before I start, I'd like to point out that the watermark is still very visible on each photo. Not entirely sure if you can crop that out, though I think it'll be alright if you still attribute the source in your author post (if anyone on licensing sees this, you're free to correct me if I'm in the wrong here).

Anyhow, here we go.

[[collapsible show="+[Nitpicks] Click to Access" hide="-[Click to Hide Text]"]]
The formatting on the bottom two pictures here throw me off. Personally, I'd have them right aligned before the first collapsible. I also think that three photos is a bit excessive, but I can hardly tell you what to do there.
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> Mr and Mrs ████,

I don't understand why you need this. You already call them by their last name. Why not just keep doing that? Unless this is a first name, in which case that's just confusing.

And this is probably going to conflict with what other people have said, but I honestly don't see an issue with censoring first names. Like, blackboxing is fun, but it's annoying as hell to read through in excess.

> Addendum xxxx-02: What Will Happen to Jimmy

I hope you intend to change the name of this collapsible, because this isn't something you see in a clinical report.

> two-storey

"storey" to "story".

> Note: RTF "Legrasse" personnel to deploy on Dr. Wu's orders, in the event of an emergency.

there is probably a better way to introduce this sentence rather than slapping **Note** at the beginning of it.

> 15:05: The boy pauses near the front porch, turning towards the front door. Later, he claims to have heard the faint cry of a baby coming from within.

To who? Is there someone nearby? Does he just say this out loud to no one?

> 15:07: The boy circles the exterior of the house at least three times, peering into windows and looking for the source of the crying.

This seems a little direct. We don't know for sure that this is why he's looking in windows, unless we interrogated him earlier or something. Either way, the reader can infer why he's looking in the windows as long as we have some indication that he heard something previously.

> It's shaking badly but there's a small patch of black mold on her finger tip, remaining inert.

I recommend rephrasing this. "//A small patch of black mold can be seen on her fingertip, though it does not move. D-9455 is visibly shaking.//"

> Reports of a baby's cries were also NOT corroborated by Foundation agents, who were observing electronically.

No all caps, please. Additionally, this phrase is a little wonky and could use some rephrasing, in my opinion.

> Mr Brown looks ready to explode again, but Mrs Brown has a horrified look on her face.

Metaphors don't match up to clinical tone. May want to rework this.

> You're **both** fucking insane if you think I'm leaving the house for a few SHIT STAINS on the wall!

This is overdramatic. This whole interview is really overdramatic, but the formatting and all caps is largely unnecessary.
[[/collapsible]]
[[collapsible show="+[Overall] Click to Access" hide="-[Click to Hide Text]"]]
The concept is good, as expected. I like things that are people that shouldn't be people. It's fun little road to walk. However, I think a lot of the reaction from the characters here could be toned down just a bit. Often times, I found myself rolling my eyes over how over the top some of these people were acting.

Other than that, I noticed there are some spots that are a bit shaky on tone and structure. I have two things for your consideration in those cases:

* //[http://vrici.lojban.org/~cowan/style-revised.html The Elements of Style]// is a useful resource for writing effective essays. You may also find a more enjoyable read from [http://www.scp-wiki.net/essays-by-a-hack-sentence-clauses this essay].
* The [[[clinical-tone-declassified | Clinical Tone Declassified]]] page can help you nail that tone needed for a successful article.
* [http://www.scp-wiki.net/zen-and-the-art-of-data-expunged This little thing] for helpful uses of censorship, since I had some issue with the amount of expungement and redaction going on.
[[/collapsible]]





Zyn types fast: http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-9108924/ask-the-person-above-you-a-question-part-ix#post-4087314

djkaktus comments a tale: http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-7780094/rounderhouse-s-author-page#post-4242410

Tufto says yes: http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-11638163/scp-4465#post-4243872